We’ve all got those mates who have girlfriends and wives that we cannot comprehend how they got together. Look, I’m one myself – my wife is still a 6ft blond bombshell and I’m slowly turning into Nicolas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas
Usually you have a friend who’s funny enough to drink with, but considers a pit stained t-shirt ‘high fashion’ and probably hasn’t brushed his teeth in three days, but his better half still makes you trip over nothing when she walks past.
Let’s be completely shallow and look at some celebrity pairings where the man is definitely ‘The Reacher’ in the relationship.
Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley
The sexiest woman of the early 80s, straight off the back of 3 Sports Illustrated covers, meets and almost immediately marries a frizzy haired, boggle eyed midget. She even inspires his second-best song about how he knows there’s no earthly reason why a girl of that caliber would be interested in awkward dance wooing. This marriage had a solid decade long run of creative success with Billy at his peak with 6 top 10 US chart hits and Christie moving out of modeling to forge her business career and real estate ownership which has netted her a comfortable $80mil. I’m just going back to listen to the Joel back catalogue, I want to see if there’s any hypnotic messaging in there.
Lyle Lovett & Julia Roberts
One of the originals, here. Lyle Lovett is a Grammy winning musician, but would likely have been considered to be making up the numbers of country singers until, within 3 weeks of meeting Julia Roberts had become her husband. Roberts, just coming out of the explosion of Pretty Woman and heading toward the Notting Hill era of extreme fame, fell for the absurdly high-haired, serious-visaged Lovett. Married quickly and divorced just as quick, this gave a lot of 90s boys hope that you didn’t have to be Christian Slater to get the sexiest woman alive.
Donald Trump & Melania
One has to assume some truth behind the theory that Power is Sexy, because there’s not much else this Slovenian model could find attractive about the bleating coming for this cat’s-arse of an orange face. You have to imagine that living the social life with an uber-narcissist is fine when you have a couple billion to distract you, but when you’re suddenly thrown into the position of First Lady, you can see the fun is gone and the reality is that you now have a freight train of bloated self-opinion careening out of control. We feel for you Melania.
Peter Crouch & Abbey Clancey
The man himself put it better than anyone; when asked what he would be is he wasn’t a footballer he replied ‘A virgin’. The man is a quality world class footballer but he looks like someone stretched then starved a normal person. He wouldn’t be out of place as the evil spirit in a Spanish horror film, yet he found himself the focus of lingerie model Abbey Clancey. While they both look to have boosted each other’s career, seeing this blonde vision on the arm of a confusingly ungainly man will forever confound me.
Jay Z & Beyoncé
This pairing has come to own the entire rap world. The phrase ‘Power Couple’ does not sit better than with these two, but Queen B is widely considered to be one of the sexiest women on Earth, has a bottomless well of talent and a drive to succeed that would terrify a lot people on a presidential campaign, so how did she end up with the perpetually puffed up Shawn Carter? Well as my wife tells me “He’s not someone I’d say is a good-looking person, but that Mother Fucker got swag”. On an unrelated note, I have found myself wearing most of my caps to the side.
Shane Warne & Liz Hurley
A chubby and perpetually frosted-tipped Australian who was phenomenal at spinning a red leather ball to confound the English, became a global sex-man. Because he rattled the colonial oppressors, his endless philandering was oddly ignored by the sporting world (even by his wife) for a long time. Eventually Mrs. Warne had enough of his shit and kicked him out. He ended up being figuratively embraced by those same Brits and literally by Liz Hurley. Yes, the shouldering beauty who made The Devil sexy AF, brought Warnie into the English social circles. This bloke, who only a few years earlier would not have been out of place smashing beer cans on his head at the WACCA, now owned a sprawling 17th Century English country estate. See kids. Represent your country at sport and you can only fail up.
Geoffrey Edelston & Anyone
Australia’s version of Hugh Heffner, but without the charm, personality or self-awareness. Geoffrey Edelston is a man who changed the financial structure of the Australian medical profession in the 70s & 80s. Sounds relatively boring, I agree, except during the time he was amassing his fortune, he flew pink helicopters, imported rare Lamborghinis, bought a football team, had his medical license stripped and was arrested for hiring a hit man. Then comes the 2010s when he married 27-year-old Californian fitness model 40 years his junior. OK a bit gross, but maybe they are soulmates. Nope. Divorced a couple years later… then he found a young Floridian, Gabi Grecko (who is closer to a 50-year age gap) to nuptulaise and when they stand together it’s way past creepy. Only one of them looks happy and it definitely is not her. Yep, they divorced fairly quickly too.
Jeff Richmond & Tina Fey
Although Jeff Richmond is an accomplished TV director & Grammy winning composer, he may as well change his name to Mr. Tina Fey because she is The Absolute Package. Freakishly intelligent, funniest woman of the modern era and just a Grade-A fox to put a bow on all, and none of those qualities seem to be slowing with age. Fey was a comic genius for SNL and went on to create the monolith of 30 Rock. Her team ups with Amy Poehler are reminiscent of the lightning chemistry between Martin & Lewis. (BTW, Poehler’s ex-husband Will Arnett was swinging for the fence too).
Marc Antony & Jennifer Lopez
By some accounts, along with my cursory Wikipedia research, Marc Anthony has a vast array of awards and credits to his name. Yet if you asked me for one of his songs, I’d have to reach back to the last millennium and even then, I’d have a small recognition of a Latin beat that was still somewhat lost amongst the Ricky Martin/Santana/Enrique Iglesias milieu. His standing in the Latin music scene is huge, but his standing next to the ultimate Latin beauty made him look a little more diminutive. JLO has been sweeping the music scene for 3 decades and is widely renowned as one the sexiest, fittest, wealthiest women in entertainment, surely, she could have afforded to buy this emaciated man a burger.
Mike Tindall & Zara Phillips
A giant shouldered, shaved headed, crooked toothed, rugby playing behemoth of knotted muscle from the midlands of England, has somehow become part of the Royal houses of Windsor. Zara Phillips is the epitome of High-Born. Her grandmother is the reigning British Monarch and she was, at one stage, 6th in line to the throne. She was the ultimate Horse-Girl, gaining an MBE for her contribution to equestrianism and securing a silver medal at the 2012 Olympics.
It sounds like a pairing you would get from 90s Disney. A Princess falls for a man beneath her station, but without all the deceit and subtle racial overtones.