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No Nappy Time: The Ultimate Baby Gamble

I rolled the dice recently and literally crapped out.

2 min read

Babies can need a breeze to get in and around those nether regions. Having the under carriage wrapped in plastic all day could create quite a rash. It’s a personal preference as to whether you choose to deal with that naked butt staring at you for a few minutes… but it is one hell of a gamble.

I rolled the dice recently and literally crapped out.

My wife headed out while I was giving the baby a bath. I made the decision to allow the child to nude up and air dry once he was out. The towels went down and doors to the bedrooms were shut – he was free to roam his Serengeti like nature intended. All was fine until I found him sitting in the hallway, filling up the little loch of his crossed legs with piss. It was on the floorboards so a quick wipe up and I figured he was done. He was not.

While I cleaned up, he headed to the front foyer and did little naked laps. Then I heard what could only be described as a soft serve machine running out of ice cream.  Leaping down the hall I expected to be faced with Jackson Pollock’s new piece, but instead I found a beautifully smiling baby and pristine floors. I assumed that odd sound had come from outside so I opened to the door to look and… nothing.

The little cherub crawled away and its right then I saw the tail of poop all the way down the back of the leg.  First mistake: I called out to tell him to stop and he did but then sat down to look at me and suddenly realised he had a new brown stinking play toy. I shot into his room and grabbed a handful of wipes and came out to sort out the mess like Mr Wolf from Pulp Fiction.

I was picking up those devil chunks when I saw that I had made my second mistake; I left the door to his room open and he’s headed that way at a rate of knots. I snatched him up after a couple of poop handprints hit the carpet and put him out of the room to attend this newest damage.

Fuck! – I’ve just put him right back in front of the poo!

After that horrifying light bulb went off I shot out to find him smacking into his faeces like he was auditioning for Stomp. I was too fearful to put him anywhere or let him loose, so I clutched my filth ridden child while I tried to clean up around him.  Then he freaked out and tried to push me away but still clutch at my white t-shirt thereby redesigning it into a brown tie-dye style.

Giving up, I goose stepped over the newly formed crust of shit in my foyer to the get him to the bathroom. Got him in and slammed the door behind us like we had just out-run an evil entity. I let him explore to his hearts content while I refilled his bath. He pulled him self up on the bath edge, locked eyes with me and started pissing again. After he turned the bathroom floor into a morbid swamp I put him into the bubbly water of the sacred bath. It was over.

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. Took a picture and sent it to my wife telling her “It’s gone bad”

All in less than 2 minutes.

Cam Mann

Written by Cam Mann

Cam has been attempting to write anything anyone would want to read for a few years now. Trying his hand at small film scripts and sports articles, but once his son, Billy, was born he found his niche writing about the ridiculousness of Fatherhood. As he watches his kid enter each Developmental Leap (and Developmental Face Plant) he will look to avoid the ever-present terror we all know and wring out inappropriate laughs wherever he can.

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